Matt "Captain Country Club" Welch

Matt Welch, or as his weary peers sarcastically dub him, Captain Country Club, is the Dick Touchers golf team's resident know-it-all. He struts around the course with an air of arrogance so thick it could clog a golf ball cleaner, all while pretending to be oh-so-humble about his decent game. With every swing, Matt manages to inject a nauseating dose of faux modesty, acting like his solid shots are just a fluke, when in reality, he’s dying for someone to stroke his already inflated ego. Worse yet, he's become such a bore, sucking the fun out of every round with his tedious lectures on golf etiquette and strategy. His insufferable mix of smugness and pretense, combined with his newfound commitment to being no-fun, would make even the most patient saint want to shove a nine-iron where the sun doesn't shine.